Going back

I promised Medium Boy last night that I will bring him back to his previous school during the June holidays. This conversation started as I browsed through FB statuses and noticed that one of his ex classmates had also changed school.  With effect from Monday this week.  Beckoned Medium Boy over to look at photos and he mentioned a wish to go back and see his friends.... He is a sentimental boy, this elder son of mine.

TGIF

I stagger into the office at 945am.  After eating breakfast with the Husband (on leave, taking the boys to Gardens by the Bay) and the boys.  After feeding half my porridge to Medium Boy and Small Boy.  After squatting and hugging Medium Boy through his poop-in-public-toilet episode - feels like an hour, but really, must be 20mins maximum - because I do not want his legs to touch the dirty toilet seat #.  Small Boy kisses me goodbye in the car – Medium Boy does not, he is busy trying not to sniffle at being away from me – scrutinizes my face after the kiss, and announces “Mama, your face is dirty!”

I walk calmly into the office lift, wait for the small crowd to disperse so that I do not have to take the lift up with anyone vaguely important or anyone that I have to interact with at work.  Dash into the office toilet to check my face.  Yes my face is oily, sunburnt and sprouting pimples.  AAAARGH.  Where did the sunburn come from?  Ah must have been Wed morning at the beach with the dear little ones, playing sand with them.  I do some damage control on my face and walk out to face the world.  I am late for my 10am meeting with my teammate.  Luckily he is still on the phone from his last meeting.  I have a 10min time block to get caffeine.  Phew.

It is a long day already.

# A mummy friend of a girl carries post-it notes around to cover the automatic toilet flush so that little K does not freak out having her bare butt splashed every few minutes.

Circle of Life

There is a moment in a mom’s life where the child turns around and is there for you.

I am coughing for a few weeks since Chinese New Year ended.  The demands of the new job plus the boys’ on-and-off cough is taking its toll on me. 

Last night I was at the table eating dinner, when a sudden coughing fit came onto me when I swallowed my food the wrong way down.  Medium Boy immediately slid off his seat to pat my back, and asked me “Are you ok Mama? Feeling better?”  Small Boy echoed “You ok, Mama?”, also getting off his seat to stroke my back.

They say children are the mirrors of the parents…. At that moment, I am very happy with my reflections :)

For a new mom

My good friend’s wife G is due to give birth anytime now and my dear cousin A is also pregnant.  A announced her 12-week milestone into the second trimester via Facebook.   Ah the power of the new media!

I had A and her husband M over for dinner one night late February.  A asked me the perennial question – how did my life change after becoming a mother?  I have been contemplating this question for 2 weeks now and believe I now have a framework to anwer A.  Let me be unequivocally clear… Life WILL change.  What mothers normally gloss over (or choose to forget, otherwise no one will go on to have seconds and thirds and fourths etc) is that during the first year or motherhood, you will be anxious because everything… repeat, EVERY single thing is new…. the birth process, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, deciphering baby’s cries .  And what do people do when they are anxious?  We fight.  Who do we fight with?  The nearest and dearest husband.  Fighting is a natural response to anxiety.  It is difficult to avoid the reflex under stress.  The most likely topics of dispute are

1.       Money.  Which is tigher than usual

2.       Baby care and housework.  Who picks up the baby when she cries and who changes diapers, shops, finds child care, and manages the countless details of running the home.

3.       Work outside the home. Who earns, who stays home, whose work counts more, who misses work when the baby is sick.

4.       Extended family.  How often the grandparents will visit, what limits and boundaries are set.

5.       Restoring intimacy in the couple.  As in “Sex? What’s that?”

6.       And finally, deciding how to spend what little free time you have together.

If you do not fight about the above issues, others will emerge – practically any subject will do.  The above 6 points are important ones and won’t go away especially if the nearest and dearest is a Man.  Unless you restore the ongoing conversation that you had before children, here is what the future may look like.

1.       Money.  You have lost earning power; he has gained earning power.

2.       Baby care and housework.  You notice and do more, you feel more responsible.

3.       Work outside the home.  His job comes first, he feels more responsible for bringing home the bacon.

4.       Extended family.  You overdeal with his family and he underdeals with his family.

5.       Sex.  You become disinterested as the unequal disbttibution of domestic tasks takes its toll.

6.       … the little free time you have together…. You go out for the evening and spend it arguing about the above items.

*pause for breath*

You say oh no, WE will be different, we will keep communicating….. I tell you sister, the 2 hourly latching, his peaceful sleeping when you are feeding or pumping at night will get to you.  Many are the nights I latched lying down beside the husband and I am just. So. Fed. Up. That he gets to sleep uninterrupted and I do not.  The ILs will get to you… when they comment, you feel obliged to listen.  If they do not comment, you resent that they do not care about the baby.  When they comment about the baby and not you, you resent that they treat you as a mere brood mare, and not a person in your own right.

Thankfully those times are over.  Have another baby…. No thank you.  That option is out for me.  My family is complete and I reckon that our marriage will fall apart under the strain.

Disclaimer and credit: I took the framework (6 points) of this post from “The Mother Dance: How Children change your life”, a book by Harriet Lerner.  The stories however are entirely mine.

Yes I love my children and no, I do not want to spend my every waking minute with them.

I would be interested to know if other moms felt the same way…..

Favourite Toys

Medium Boy has been putting together a very complicated camera from cardboard boxes, plastic colanders (which I usually use to rinse vegetables in the kitchen), and toilet roll holders.  He grabs whoever is passing by and says “Come!  I take your picture….” Leading the person over to the front of his camera.

Small Boy is into bowling and plays with his bowling pins every single night since Nov 2012 when the FIL purchased a play bowling set for him.  Asked him what he loved about bowling, and he says “I like the noise, Mama!” I pity my neighbor living downstairs…. For the sake of neighbourly relations, I sent a cake down when I came back from the ILs... citing Chinese New Year as the reason.

Buying toys seems an absolute waste of money when both boys are playing with odds and ends.  I shall just be a karung guni (recyclables door to door collector, they love electronics!) and pick up cardboard boxes for them to play in.  Cheaper on my wallet plus hey, it builds their imaginations :)

I told the Husband what I was going to blog about today and he added that Mama is their favourite toy!

Lesson in Temperance

We were exiting out of a highway this morning and there were MANY obonoxious drivers.  The Husband muttered under his breath uncomplimentary things about the other drivers. 

Medium Boy piped up from the back seat "Everybody is queueing Papa.  No need to be angry... Just keep driving."

Out of the mouths of babes.

Confidence

Medium Boy's Mandarin teacher in school has feedback that he does know how to form sentences by putting the words together... BUT he needs constant affirmation and encouragement.

He told me last night that we need to buy a mat (!) for me to do his homework with him next week.  [The Montessori school teachers have the children lay out their work on cloth mats, then roll them up when the work is done] 

Next week is holiday week for the boys.  I am thinking of taking Monday and Friday off (or just Wednesday off) to be with the boys in the morning.  My new boss C is going to be on medical leave for a month starting tomorrow, operation for ovarian cyst discovered during a MRI scan on her back.... so I and my 2 teammates need to be around to cover.....

I will see what happens next week.

An excellent teacher

Every so often, the declining number of student taking Literature at O Levels is reported in the media as causing collective hand-wringing and head-shaking in the Singapore intelligentsia.  The humanities subjects like literature and history get short shrift in Singapore, especially literature because people (parents?  teachers? principals?) perceive it to be a subject difficult to score an A in.  I myself was discouraged from taking the humanities at A Levels even though now… on hindsight, it would have been a quicker journey to find myself through the humanities rather than the hard sciences.  

Physics at A Levels is a real pain in various body parts for me; Chemistry was marginally better… marginally.  Mathematics even at A Levels was easy for me, as I had great help from my dad and I eventually concluded Maths is just another language with funny notation.   Enjoyed Economics at A Levels very much as it married my ability to tell a story backed by numbers. 

My General Paper tutor was really hard on me.  I guess Mr Peter Teo did not really see the likes of me before… unlike others in his GP remedial class, I was in remedial class not because I cannot string a grammatical sentence together, but because I am too intellectually lazy to string a coherent story together.  Mr Teo took me in hand mid Year 1 in JC when my grades yoyo-ed 90% to 20% and back to 80% for my GP essays.  My lovely grammatical sentences altogether make no sense…. My essay lost its ability to persuade, appease, placate or outrage…  I wrote 2 GP essays for every single one that my classmates wrote from then on.  For many years after JC, even after I got my A1 in GP, I attributed the excellent grade to my own efforts…. Only with the distance of time did I really appreciate Mr Teo.   A good teacher sees something in the student that the student is unable to see in himself.

Wherever you are now Mr Peter Teo, I hope you are well.  I did not go into a profession which uses language (contrary to your expectations), but rest assured that your efforts to shape how I write still has great relevance in my work place as I use language in my written and oral communications to convince, disagree and state positions.

Body language matters

Thursday 7 March 2013. The 5th day in my new job.

After a long Thursday afternoon of meetings (where I understand 25% of what is going on), calls to determine the correct numbers for Feb close (60% of what is going on), and being in the office ALL the time (chatting with new people for 9 hours straight including lunch time), I am seriously drained.

The introvert me draws energy from focussing and being alone, unlike the extroverts who draw energy from social interactions.  Dun get me wrong, I like people, just that... my energy source is depleted fast when there are other people constantly talking at and around me.... BUT I digress.....

Back to main story.  I entered the lift at the 9th floor and let myself droop.

A work friend got on at the 4th floor.  He said on seeing me "You look exhausted...."  I must have looked incredulously at him as he then hastened to add "I hope we are close enough (for me) to say this to you."  Yep, we are close enough indeed.  I had helped him at work, and introduced one of his pals to my ex ex boss when his pal wanted to change roles in the Company.

We got out of the lift (there are other people around) and I told him that I am absolutely knackered after 4 days of being in the office, and 5 years of not having to manage my facial emotions and body language when I am working at home, hence I really appreciate his spontaneous feedback.  After all, you never know who might step into the lift next.... maybe a senior leader that I need to impress at work... and I cannot afford to look like a droopy leaf then, can I....

A timely reminder that I am not off work until I enter the car / bus / train.

Lunchtime levity

The advantage of being in the office now is that I have colleagues to lunch with.  Lunchtime conversation turned from the Sabah invasion by Filipino insurgents to charity work to the plight of the poor.  There were 4 nationalities (Singapore, Malaysia, Philippines, Hong Kong) represented by 5 people around the lunch table.

After such serious topics, I was sorely in need of some Gary Larson's "The Far Side".

Then one noisy, loud new colleague said "Wanna hear a joke?"

(Warning: bad joke ahead)

An apple and an orange are in the fridge when the door closes on them.  The apple screamed hysterically "Oh no! It is now dark and soooo cold in here too.  What are we going to do?????"

The orange turns to the apple and says













"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Tis a talking apple."

*grin*  Ah, I did warn you it was a bad joke.

Thinking his own thoughts

Medium Boy passed a milestone without me being fully conscious when exactly it happened.  He is a fully fledged little boy now who keeps his own counsel, no longer a baby who blurts out his every thought.

The Husband had asked him one day as we were driving out of the ILs’ place in Malaysia.

HB: So Medium Boy, we are going back to Singapore in a few days…

MB: Papa, I do not want to go back.  I want to stay here in Malaysia.

HB: (teasingly) You dun wanna go back because you do not want to go to school right…. Not because you love Ah Kung (paternal grandfather) and Ah Ma (paternal grandmother) and want to be with them…. Awwww, I tell Ah Kung and Ah Ma later.

MB immediately bursts out: NO! You dun tell Ah Kung and Ah Ma!  OF COURSE I love them.  You must promise not to tell them!

The Husband and I were struggling to contain our laughter.

I am both happy and sad that he is thinking his own thoughts …  The above exchange (and some other similar ones that have slipped my porous memory now) is a signal to me to create even more space in our evenings together to connect with him.

Optimal breastmilk freezing

When a breastfeeding mommy does not have excess expressed frozen breast milk, and is then called away on a week long business trip, what is a mommy to do?

Kellymom.com and La Leche League International have concise guidelines on the handling of expressed breastmilk so I shan't repeat those here.

One.  Pump like crazy to build up stock.

Two.  Store in one ounce sticks (like ice popsicles) to facilitate defrosting.    I use mumsfairy.com Sensible Line milk trays to freeze. (product disclaimer: Mumsfairy did not pay me to endorse their product)

Three.  Date all milk bags.  In my front opening freezer, I store milk in drawer compartments and do FIFO like the below diagram.

Storing in the way I describe allows me to move the stock further in.  Each freezer has his own peculiarities…. the general principle is to rotate such that you are able to put in the latest milk and take out the earliest milk without freezing your hand off.

Or if you have built up enough credit with the boss and business stakeholders, offer to teleconference, video conference, delay or shorten the duration of the business trip.  Anything to not go away at all (ideal! but not possible lest the working mom is displaced from her job…) or shorten the duration.  A 2 month delay to when baby is after 6 months old, means baby is taking in some solids, hence not fully dependent on mommy’s milk for nutrition.

Jia you, working breastfeeding mommies!

Transition

I am scared.

I am scared that I will mess up my new job…

I am scared that working in the office from 9 to 6 means I have less time for my family…

I am scared that I forget how to control my facial emotions when in the office… since I have worked mainly from home for the past 5 years.

I am scared that I have to depend on caffeine to get through each work day…

I am scared that my outfits and lack of makeup is not office-appropriate…

I have dug my secret fears out of the closet, it is time to look hard at them and determine how to vanquish them.  * Deep breath * I am strong… this too shall pass…

May the Force be with me.  Peace.

Addendum after lunch - I shall not lunch with people who brag about their 5 year old's ability to do long division sums after attending xxx enrichment class.